Get it out

Get it out 

In the last year there has been n number of times that wanted to get my heart out and speak or write on what I am going though and how I want everyone to know this. I can say I did not have the guts or courage to do it and it could be because
1) I am a highly sensitive person and I hope I am not over exaggerating the situation.

2) What do I tell the world when I myself am not clear on whats going on with me, because all people would say is consult a good doctor and which I have been doing

3) I am pretending to be stronger and I have been achiever, how can I give up on something and prove myself a loser in front of the world which is always full of critics

4) I don't want to take advantage of disease I have in anyway ( like in office people ranking me based on my disease of condition) .Disease does not define me.

5) As soon as I talk and open my heart about it with my family, they break up. When I could not take the stress and decided to talk to my husband and my kid, they were all broken and in to tears. I can't see them breaking. They don't have so much courage as I do.How can I tell them that life no longer interests me?


The main problem with me is that I have never spoke to anyone about how I feel when I am sad, I am angry or any kind of emotion impacting me. I have so many lovely and kind friends who put in their heart to me and want me to talk to them, I have never got the courage to just tell them. As soon as I start talking I am in to tears and my throat is all chocked. God! will there be some day I can shout and clear my throat out. I can still chat out my heart and talking just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea.
I guess this has been built over the years that I have been doing this to myself. Firstly maybe I never brought out my emotions since childhood, then maybe my parents never realised and then after marriage I was into a situation where I could not afford to- as no one really understood me.

The events which lead me to here are being documented in a different page. I will keep this restricted this one for the disease I have been though and especially last 1-2 years.

When I had my first periods, I was clueless on what happened and on top of it my mom sent to me my Maami to educate me on using the napkins. I had number of questions in my mind with no answer from anyone and no one entertaining my questions at all. All I know is it happens with all women. I had severe pain and all I would hear is its common and sometimes I would hear that it will be fine after marriage. I have dealt with this pain before marriage and after marriage as well. Not just pain the heavy periods and changing the napkin again and again and the embarrassment OH GOD. I even remember coming home with my white skirt all red from behind.
On top of all this I wasn't allowed to touch anything, I was given a separate mat, utensils which you are supposed to wash and use yourself while you are in all the pain.

Then I get married and the problem still stays. I was the only one having heavy periods looking for spaces  to wash and dry cloth napkins while all the women in house look at me without even helping me with any advise and I would look so embarrassed. Then I was pregnant with my first baby and was relieved of this for some time. Baby delivered and I think I was able to cope up for sometime, helped myself by changing from cloth to readily available napkins. I would have this problem on and off and somehow years passed by. I had a strange pain in my abdomen which would happen when I sit and stand up and it was like something was blocking or something or grown up which was giving that pain. I consulted doctors and no one thought it was a problem, all they would say is my uterus has grown in size and that could be the reason. I started having severe pain again and no doctor could diagnose why and within this time I decided to have my second baby. The pain disappeared and was blessed with my second baby. Things were going fine for 2-3 years and the pain and heavy periods starts again. I kept dealing with it as I had accepted that its going to be like this. Then I started feeling very low in energy which would happen sometimes and the infection. Initially I used to have it once in a year, then it happened once in 6 months, once in 3 months and now it was every month. I visited same doctor for some time to see it might be taking time to diagnose, I changed doctors as well. All they would do it give me antibiotics and some cleanliness tips.

I kept telling each doctor that I feel there is something wrong and its not just infection and they would not listen to me.  Getting up early morning everyday was like a challenge to me with no energy, no life, not understanding whats going on with my body and me, is life to be going like this forever? I cant live this life , its not worth it. If I tell my family all they I would hear is you don't eat properly, eat like us anything. You take so much care of yourself and still having such issues. I would ear so many things all tired and frustrated.

Every festival my mother in law is ready with her instructions on what to do, what to cook, do this do that and I would be so angry at her that I am dying and she is all worried about her festivals.

I joined my new Organisation will new hopes, enthu and what not to do. But, slowly my energy and this disease was taking  me away from myself and everyone. One fine day I decided one of my good friends to do Tarot reading for me and she asked me to consult a doctor who is know to me maybe as a relative or a friends relative. I had done that before as well and I still ran my mind to think over again and finally recalled one of friends mom being a Gyane and head at Fortis hospital. Thankfully she got some tests done and recommended Surgery . By this time I was already so depressed and tired of the disease that I was ready to get anything done to get rid of it. There were 4 things that came out. My left ovary was adhered to my uterus, my uterus is adhered to my bowel, there was waste liquid in my stomach, free fluid in Fallopian tube and Endometriosis ( which was detected during the surgery).
Well now I realised why I could not lie down or get up from left side as the adhesions made it difficult for my nerves, muscles to stretch.

 Well the surgery happened, I took some rest and was up. However, it was not all. My Doctor had put me on a pill which put me in pre-menopause state so that i don't get periods and my adhesion get cured. I was feeling depressed day by day and i wasn't realising what it is that's not working after surgery as well.

I was going into a different zone all together where all I was doing was looking for a purpose of my life. I just wanted to not go home, office, anywhere. I just wanted to run away from everyone and stay alone somewhere. Sometimes I would even think of ending my life as life no more interested me. All I would look for is sadness everywhere as if I am not accepting the fact that I have a disease to deal lifetime and questions like WHY ME??

I still remember I would not talk to anyone, and go to washroom and cry so helplessly even when in office.I though of leaving my job many times. Thanks to Almighty that my kids kept me alive and gave me the reason to live. They are the only reason my negative thoughts would not overpower me. I did not wanted them to lose their mother in so young age. I know how it feels to lose a mother.

Then after a month or so my doctor send me to get a breast MRI Done and then starts my fear. Why did the doctor ask me to get MRI done? The fear that have been back of mind since years now bubble up. My mother and my grand mother ( mom's Mom) succumbed to cancer and I am too young for it. Well more than being young, its my fear of leaving my kids so young. They need me now. After few days I got the MRI done and though the reports said that everything is fine they cannot deny the fact it could be a starting. I was emotional and somewhere my brain was still working. One fine day I picked up the pack of the pill and started reading its side effects and I was shocked to know that the pill was strictly avoided for women whose family had cancer history especially breast cancer( My Mom had breast cancer).  It also mentioned that the side effect of the pill was to feel very low and depressed. I was moved and that day I stopped taking the pill and though to deal with naturally and other healthy ways.

I decided to consult a nutritionist and then came across Rujuta's 2 month program. I went to Mumbai to attend her full day workshop and took her 2 months program. I learnt so many eye opening things.

Next, I went to trekking with Mala Maám. I had never ever been alone to any place in India and that too such a beautiful place. The experience was by far the most enriching and felt like heaven on earth.
My first period after I returned from Himalayas was good and I was happy to see that results are coming. But, it wasn't over. Next month starts the same thing. Do you know how it feels to get up twice in the night to feel that all your bed and clothes are dirty? Yeah after using all the possible sanity pads for heavy flow, long ones with wings. How much courage do I keep? I would cry helplessly, when everyone in the world is sleeping and you are cleaning your clothes :(. Not to mention that pain during/before and after periods. Not  just pain it includes those mood swings, depression, anger, frustration.

Getting up in the morning to cook and serve bfast and lunch for family and self looks more tiring.
I am learning to eat onlyl foods that suit my body, be careful in what to eat and what not to eat. I never know which thing might give me pain the next day.

Today when I look back 1 year ago, I am in the same condition except that the left side adhesion removed has helped me relieved my left side nerves of the back which was otherwise a pain to either sleep or get up using my left side.

I have been going to gym and Yoga, but some or other obstacle keeps coming in my way. if I have stomach pain I lose all my energy for a week, then chikungunia and now its side effects ( the pain in joins and muscles). Sometimes I am thankful to God and feel that there could be a reason for God to put me in this state, I am waiting for the exact reason/time/guidance from Almight. Sometimes I lose patience and I cry and still stand back again myself as I need to be strong for my kids. they need me until they are all independent .

I am not going to lose the battle, I will keep fight and come back as a winner, wait for me and see :).
If There is a WILL, there is a WAY!!