Feeling lost again today
Like every that day when I feel lost, I start to write down today as well hoping I will be able to pen down at least some of what has been going on and how I feel.
As I sit down on my desk with laptop on and my brain going numb like it does not feel anything. Yeah, yeah I know brain doesn't feel maybe that's how we feel when we have that lost feeling. I don't know whatever it is. All I want is to keep writing down whatever I am feeling right now , weather its my brain saying or its my heart saying.
Amidst all this numb feeling I asked myself ' What is it actually that's bothering you Anu ? '. My brain starts processing without any partiality towards any feeling ( neither negative or positive) because I am numb right now. As I write down this I am hoping to get clarity on my thoughts.
My body also seems to be going numb, my hands shivering a little like I am sick and have no energy to write. Here is my conversation with myself
Me : What is it that is actually bothering you Anu, my sweetheart. Why are you being so hard on yourself?
Anu : I am not living my life
Me : What? what do you mean?
Anu : You know I have been a dreamer since my childhood days I remember and not just that I have always been willing to work to achieve them and have worked as well.
Me : Yes, sweetheart, you have been an achiever, you are a strong woman and an example so many women and girls follow.
Anu : Yes, I agree and you know what? I have lost myself somewhere in these years . I wanted to achieve my dreams, so I fought for it and in the process adjusted to all circumstances believing that if I be myself I will not be accepted and I will not be able to fulfill my dreams. Today, I want to fight for myself, live the way I want to but I am imprisoned within my so called thoughts and beliefs I have started believing in the process of adjusting with my circumstances to fulfill my education and career dream.
Now, when I want to be independent and make my own decisions, I am being questioned, I am being doubted, I am being shouted at. I used to blame everyone else for my condition before and I now know and realize its only me who impacts me and no one else. I know that, yet I lack the courage to take action. Why? I mean whats stopping me from going and living the life I want to?
Am I still looking for approval from my people?
Am I afraid of hurting them because they will not understand what I wan to do ?
Am I afraid of being judged ?
Am I afraid of uncertainty?
I don't see any reason to not live my life
What am I losing if I don't live my life now?
A Life full of excitement, happiness, joy, adventure, selflove, purpose
What happens if I don't take action now?
I will get more and more miserable. Do I want to live that life?
My body is already telling me to get over it . I can hear its signals.
Almighty! I know I am here for a reason and you are making everything happen for a reason.
I am you child Almighty and I shall do as you guide me. That beautiful life is waiting for me.
Almighty shall make it happen by flowing through me.
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